Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Taking My Damn Time...

Taking My Damn Time...

All my life I have felt the pressure to try and be like everyone else. I would never truly succeed due to the inability to actually be anyone else in life. I remember in school I would admire all the really smart people who had like the perfect GPA and I would try to be like them. I would join all the clubs and things they did and try to make my life about studying. I would eventually fail because I just wasn’t that kind of person. I remember when I had the opportunity to take the accelerated speedway path out of high school. I wanted to do it, but I knew I would eventually find myself stressed out and on the verge of a breakdown. When I got to college unfortunately I wasn’t able to take it on full time due to family obligations. So I would take three classes or less per semester. I found with myself I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t take more like my friends. As my college years progressed more and more problems were coming up at home. The most of it following my parents divorce. My mom had to work more and someone had to be there with my sister and brother. (Both of which are handicapped.) I had to put any real outside life on the shelf for a while. I understood the responsibilities and I just accepted them. Well eventually, I moved out but I still volunteered my services to my family whenever they needed them. I also had a new boyfriend, apartment, and school still going on. My boyfriend would have to get up at odd times in the morning and night to take to help my mom’s. ( I didn’t have car at the time.) Finally, I had to tell her I couldn’t do it any more. It hurt but I needed to breakaway and form my own life. Then I soon realized that I hadn’t really had anytime just to be with myself at all in my life. You don’t know how precious that time is until you realize you haven’t had it.
When I realized this, I felt I had to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to be alone. He didn’t take it well at all, but I expected that since he cared so much for me. I still care for him, but I knew I would never be ready to be a good relationship or appreciate it. Until I had time to really be by myself and think about no one else. I have felt my life has always been about serving others and I haven’t really had time to serve just myself with no time limit. So this fall, I will be going to school, living in my own apartment, and just trying to figure out who and what I really am on my own. I won’t try to conform to what I see around me but just learn what I enjoy. I will take as much time as I need in school and when I am ready to go I will make my move to the next stage. Here I am.


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